Alright, time to kick this column into gear with our first tip about how to be an ethical ladies’ man.
In this first post, I want to talk the first thing you should think about when it comes to being attractive: staying positive. Now, there is this misconception, I think from popular culture, that angsty is sexy. In anime, the twilight series or even the recent Conan the Barbarian movie, emotional scars are used to enhance the sexiness of a character.
Here is the trick. While Sasuke Uchiha (pictured above) may seem pretty dreamy while he is fighting evil ninjas with a scowl on his face, you don’t actually have to date that character. He seems really attractive from a distance because his drama is not destroying your life. In the realm of the physical, a sour demeanor will not win you many friends because unlike in the movies, people actually have to deal with you. If, like Sasuke, you are sad because every time you acquire friends your evil brother murders them, laughing maniacally, all of the mopiness in the world will not make someone want to date you. People can sense when trouble is coming, and one of the biggest signs of trouble in a person is a sad or uncomfortable demeanor. Before I get too many buts (but I have real problems, but I looks silly when I smile, but its inauthentic for me to be happy all the time), let me explain the difference between positive and happy.
I have a foreign friend who has told me a little bit about his life before he met me in college. He grew up in a small African country near Congo and his childhood was not easy. He told me of children, too young to have noticed girls yet, running through the street gunning down innocent civilians for less money than you get in an hour at McDonalds. He once, absentmindedly, asked me if the cut on my girlfriend’s shoulder was from landmine shrapnel. He explained the gash looked just like the results of the homemade landmines his father constructed to defend their house during ‘the war.’ He has carried an automatic pistol for personal protection since an age when many of us were still getting awkward boners. He has said, without a trace of irony, “In my dreams, I can still hear them screaming as they burn. There was nothing we could do as the Humvee pulled away.” This friend of mine is not always happy. Occasionally I see something dark and a little bit lonely flicker behind his eyes, however, he has never not greeted me with a smile. He is one of the most positive (and awesome) people that I know and it serves him well. Because he is such a nice and positive thinking person, his past carries weight and makes him a deeper person. It is clear that he has overcome a lot just to be here and smile. If he had had only stories of war and fire then, while he would be a sympathetic character and deserving of friendship, he would not have had the charm and appeal that makes him so popular.
To be positive, you do not have be happy all of the time. Acknowledging the hard times that you have been through is important, but you have to be willing to show your positive side as well. It can be hard at times, but, if my friend can do it after what he has seen, then I would guess that you can too. If you are attracted to someone, smile at them, have a firm handshake, be ready to suggest something fun to do. If all you hear is screaming, or worse, nothing, if you feel like your days are empty and colorless then you need professional help, not a girlfriend. If you are really too sad to do anything but sleep, then my pickup artist advice is not what you should be reading. I would suggest that you click on this link, read all of the subtopics on the left column and get your life back on the right track. In real life, the darkness in your past is only sexy if it really is in your past.
To the rest of you, smile at your monitor. If it feels awkward that’s fine and feel free to let your face slide back to neutral after a second, but do it. If you see a pretty girl, that is really all you need to do to get her attention. Mystery, the infamous, is fond of saying that the number one characteristic of an alpha male is a smile. This is absolutely true. When you smile you are letting people know that you are someone important. It says, “Hey guys! The happy is over here. Come and get it.” You will feel better about yourself too. It is much harder to have negative thoughts even when your smile is only superficial.
Now, remember that positive is not the same as happy. You do not always have to run around with a huge grin glued to your face. In fact, this is a bad idea and it will make people nervous. What you should do is try to enter a group with a slightly above average level of positive energy. If people are feeling fairly neutral or maybe bored, enter the conversation with a feeling of relaxed enjoyment instead of unease. If people are enjoying themselves, beam right back at them instead of scowling. If people are really sad (as in mourning the death of a loved one) presumably you won’t be thinking about sex, but to be a good influence you should still stay positive. Do not say depressing things but also don’t start cackling. Try to find the positives in the situation. Talk about what a great person they deceased was, be upliftingly sad. People will be grateful for someone who brings them up just a little bit, who infuses positive energy into a any situation but doesn’t force false emotion on anyone. If someone comes home after a bad day do not try to console them by being miserable. This seems obvious, but I see this rule get violated a lot (as always, especially by quote ‘nice guys‘). Someone will say, “man I got my bike stolen today,” and Mister Nice Guy will say, “wow, what kind of horrible person would do that? We live in such cruel cruel world.” All of sudden it seems a little bit like we aren’t talking about bikes anymore and it’s kind of uncomfortable. If you are much more negative than the group average, people get uneasy. They will wonder where ‘cruel cruel world’ came from. Sure, they were thinking something somewhat similar (“what kind of asshole would steal my crappy bike”), but if you take their thoughts and exaggerate them it will seem like something else is on your mind. Some people think (incorrectly) that misery loves company means that miserable people like miserable company. This is not true. Being empathetic and understanding is the important part, so, of course, don’t laugh or joke about everything, but being a sad sack will not make anyone feel better either. If you are on the slightly positive side of the emotional environment people will be more understanding and likely to respond to you positively. If you say, “Wow, that sucks. You wanna get a beer and talk about it?” They will understand that you have an ulterior motive (you want beer), but they will also be happy that you are bringing them along on your positive excursion.
So, in any situation, the main mechanical rules to follow are: (1) Deal with your issues. If your ex-girlfriend cheated on you, come to terms with that. Do not expect your date or random people in a bar to be your emotional support system. Talk to your friends and family, do things that you enjoy (or used to enjoy) before you try to shack up with anyone. (2) Smile just a little more than average and smile every time you meet a new person. If you don’t have a good answer to a question, just smile. If you have no good comeback, smile. Really, you can’t smile enough. Just don’t plaster it on there for long periods, we are talking about quick, frequent bursts of smile so that people don’t get uneasy near your joker grin. (3) Gear your conversation to be just a little more positive than average. You won’t always be thinking about sex or dating when this becomes important. You might be consoling a good friend who has just told you a war story. You might be at a sushi bar laughing with friends. You might be comforting someone at their death bed. In general, infusing the world with your positive energy is important both for your own mental health and for your prospects at getting laid.